Everybody has some issue with something about their body, I’m sure. I have a lot, and always have.
Age 4/5 I remember asking my nan for more chicken because I felt I was too skinny. That “too skinny” phrase didn’t last long, it became the total opposite. From around age 6, I’ve always worried about being too fat. At such a young age, I starved myself. I would secretly chuck food away when my parents weren’t looking. I’m not sure I ever came under the ‘Anorexic’ title but I’m pretty sure I was close. The thing that got me eating again was my nan saying “If you don’t eat, you will end up in hospital with tubes down your throat, being force fed”. I was young and that sentence scared the crap out of me. But still, age 10/11 I was wearing age 2-3/4-5 aged clothes, until I started putting weight on.
So, throughout my childhood, I was quite a skinny girl. Then Puberty came and I just became flawed with everything ‘big’ from both sides of the family. Broad shoulders from my dad and massive hips from my mum. I also got a big chest from my mum’s side of the family. At age 13, I was already in C-cup bras!!
So, my teenage years came with massive body image issues and that has never changed. I’ve always believed that I am fat, no matter my size. I have lost and gained weight but no matter what weight I have been, I’m fat.
More recently though, being fat hasn’t been the top of my thoughts regarding my body image issues. It’s my boobs. My weight is always going up and down and usually with people if the lose weight, their boobs get smaller and vise versa if they put weight on. Mine don’t change. They’re huge. You hear a lot about people with small chests having body issues and wanting bigger breasts, for me, I want smaller.
They’ve been really bringing my mood down a lot over the last few days. I’m trying to lose weight and I think I am but when I look in the mirror and stand side-ways it’s like the letter P. (except I’m not skinny). It’s just now that I am losing the weight, my boobs are looking bigger.
I’m due to go bra shopping, there’s nothing really wrong with my bras at the moment but, it’s underwear, and like any underwear, it’s nice to get new ones. BUT I keep putting it off. I hate shopping for bras. I will go to a shop and be searching for a style that I like, go through the sizes, get to 34DD and the sizes stop, they don’t do bigger sizes in that style. It’s very hard to find a pretty, nice looking bra in my size.
I was on a train last week, standing in the aisle because it was packed. People were trying to get pass and, I know my brain has most likely warped this image, but how I saw it was my boobs were in the way. I couldn’t squeeze into the wall anymore and I’m pretty sure, my chest just took up half the space from one wall to another. It’s so embarrassing.
I pretty much get brushed up against at least once a week. I’m forever hearing “Sorry, I just touched your boobs” and my response is always “It’s okay, it’s my fault, they’re in the way” like I have the option of them not being so big.